Sondage

Cela fait maintenant un mois tout pile que Jinder Mahal est champion de la WWE. Selon vous::

Clobber Report, #15

Djobi, Jobber

Cada dia te quiero ma'

Djobi Djobi, Djobi Jobber

Cada dia yo te quiero ma'

Djobi Djobi, Djobi Jobber

Cada dia yo te quiero ma'

 

Vous aussi, marchez dans la lumière des Gipsy Kings, visionnaires troubadours qui chantaient les louanges de votre serviteur bien avant que Cena ne s'expose à l'indignation d'Eric Besson en traitant Jack Swagger de "weasel". Comment ? En lisant la quinzième édition du Clobber Report, consacrée aux shows hebdomadaires de la semaine du 5 avril.

 

 

Il est temps de foutre Daniel Bryan over!

 

 

Clobber Report, semaine du 5 avril

 

 

Il est temps de foutre!

 

Y a-t-il un pilote dans l'avion ? (Raw, NXT, Smackdown) : Cette semaine, côté WWE, ça grinçait fort dans les rouages. Entre l'équipe technique zappant le Big Right Hand de Show et le missile dropkick de Daniel Bryan avant de nous gratifier d'un magnifique fondu fantôme sur le moonsault de Morrison à Smackdown, le ring annoucer faisant passer Maryse pour une Porto-ricaine et Cena se fendant d'un beau lapsus freudien ("what a championship does"), il y avait comme une diffuse odeur de loose dans les rangs.

 

 

Par contre, y a bien des films de gladiateurs.

 

 

 

Ils flottent tous en bas ! (iMPACT!) : Au-delà de son booking... hasardeux (restons poli), le show de la bande à Carter a lui aussi frappé par ses nombreux flottements et aveux d'échec. Jarrett se fait agresser par Sting? Hogan et Abyss se tournent les pouces, même si The Icon met au moins trois pauses Kit-Kat à appliquer son Scorpion Deathdrop. Bubba se fait huer façon ministre de la culture à un festival? Il aligne au micro avec la conviction d'une sonnerie de téléphone trois "Bubba Army" hors de propos pendant que ses potes s'agitent comme des chômeurs en fin de droits bourrés et pris d'une folle envie de talocher leur femme (gosh ces bandanas!). Flair présente sa redoutable équipe pour Lockdown? Il débite un cliché éculé par jeune poulain interposé avant de mouiller son caleçon en parlant de Sting. Non vraiment, la réforme des retraites, ça craint.

 

 

 

Avec mes potes Sting, les Yukon Lumberjacks et Ricky Martel, on va vous défoncer!

 

 

It's clobbering time!

 

Gimme a N, gimme a X, gimme a T! NXT! (NXT) : J'imagine que vous avez été nombreux à pester contre l'ambiance Oktoberfest de NXT (et contre la notable absence des pros), personnellement j'ai trouvé ça amusant et rafraîchissant, bien qu'un peu longuet. Mais là où le show m'a le plus emballé, c'est qu'il a semblé bien plus stiff que ce que propose habituellement la WWE. Non? Alors repassez vous la claque de Bryan sur Young et le coup de pied de Wade dans le dos d'Otunga.

 

 

 

Guten tag belle blonde!

 

 

This is a Robbery! : Il n'y a pas si longtemps, je voyais en Rob Terry la parfaite antithèse de ce que j'aime dans le catch. Musculature repoussante, mobilité d'un frigo, gimmick à la truelle... Finalement, sur la foi de quelques prises bien brutales et d'un amorti de la tête totalement inconscient, je me dis qu'il y a quelque chose à tirer de cet ersatz aphone de Solomon Grundy (avec un peu de Bane niveau injections).

 

 

Rob Terry, born on a bloody sunday!

 

Ainsi s'achève ce quinzième numéro, merci à vous de l'avoir lu jusqu'au bout. Le Clobber Report ne serait toutefois pas complet sans une intervention de l'un de nos plus fidèles lecteurs, le très bright Batman.

 

 

You owe your life to dental hygiene.

strateguerre

Comment ça la tna a un booking hasardeux?

Ils appliquent tout simplement la fameuse stratégie de l'échec conçue par Vince Russo et Eric Bischoff:

- on prend les vieux de la vieille des années 80 et les toxicos du début des années 90 qui ne sont pas passés par la phase born again
- on booke ça avec des histoires éculées style "new blood", "nwo dernière version"
- on massacre les jeunes pousses en les improvisant héritiers des vieilles épaves

Et hop, on tue une nouvelle compagnie de lutte et on part toucher son chèque chez VKM.

Mine de rien...

... je commence à me dire qu'ils sont vraiment en service commandé. Une fois la TNA en lambeaux, ils reviennent à la WWE faire les beaux (c'est contre Hogan que l'Undertaker aura son 20-0 à Mania!)

What's up?



31 janvier

Il était bien cool, ce Rumble, non? Venez dire dans les comms de la nalyse ce que vous en avez pensé, et n'oubliez pas que les vignettes attendent vos légendes sagaces ici.

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Commentaires récents

Les Vignettes des Cahiers


Merde, j’ai toujours été nul au Puissance 4.


Retrouvez ici toutes nos vignettes !


Quotes of the Cahiers

"I'm gonna leave him in a pile of blood, and urine and vomit."
Brock Lesnar à propos de John Cena

"At 9 am Eastern time tomorrow, the WWE Network goes live. But the problem is you’re all gonna be so overwhelmed by the incredible content available, you won’t be able to turn it off. Adults will lose their jobs and kids will be expelled from schools for lack of attendance. In fact, you’re gonna be so mesmerized by the incredible content of the WWE Network that you won’t even have time to remove the garbage from your houses. Your places are gonna start to stink, rats will move in, and they’re gonna look like bigger pigsties than they already do. Ultimately, the government is gonna come along and condemn your homes and you will all be left homeless defending yourself on the street. Thank you very much."
Bad News Barrett

"He’s twisting him so much his twin brother is getting dizzy !"
JBL commentant un Giant Swing d'Antonio Cesaro sur l'un des frères Uso.

"I think I'm a little too old for you Jerry. I'm 26, I know you like them younger."
AJ Lee, à Raw, s'adressant à Jerry Lawler

"It looks like James Storm has had more partners than Taylor Swift lately, he should probably get tested"
Bad Influence

"Having watched that… I regret the doctors in Canada saving my life.”
Jerry Lawler, après le segment où Mae Young a accouché d'Hornswoggle.

"What's running through John Cena's mind? I don't give a crap what's running through his mind. What's more important is what's running down his leg."
Brock Lesnar

"Yes. Stop sending dumb tweets like this one. RT: @Kid_Antrim Any advice for me?"
Paul Heyman, sur Twitter

"With Kofi Kingston as the Intercontinental Champion, the bar has been lowered. And when the bar’s been lowered, mediocrity becomes acceptable. And when mediocrity becomes acceptable, society crumbles. And when society crumbles, civilization will end as we know it.”
Le Miz, Hell in a Cell

"Can you figure that? She's not able to get a date! I mean, even Natalya is able to get a date!"
Eve à propos de Layla

"I understand that you barbaric buffoons could easily eviscerate me and dispose of me like common trash. However, if you do so, I will not be a victim. I will be a martyr. A martyr for anyone who appreciates a sophisticated mind."
Damien Sandow, à DX.

"Apparently, giants can win the Super Bowl, but not matches at WrestleMania. You’re like ‘The Reverse Undertaker’. Who are you going to lose to this year? The boxer or the sumo wrestler?”"
Cody Rhodes au Big Show

"The Kliq is back, which is kind of ironic because "click" is the noise the audience's remote control makes every time Kevin Nash pops up on their TV screen."
CM Punk

"It's a conspiracy! C... O... N.... Spiracy!"
R-Truth

"I understand that... that Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself... he's a millionaire who should be a billionaire... you know why he's not a billionaire? It's because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical yes-men like John Laurinaitis, who's gonna tell him everything he wants to hear... and I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family."
CM Punk

"These people are not Jimmies. They are the greatest fans in the world!"
John Cena, à R-Truth qui venait de qualifier le public de Raw de "Little Jimmies".

"Can you imagine if Sheamus wins this thing? I mean, the international ramifications, I mean the buyrate, I’m talking about the demographic change and everything? If Sheamus wins this match, it will be huge, not only for him but for the Smackdown brand."
Booker T., pendant un Title Match opposant le champion poids lourds Randy Orton à Sheamus.

"When I’m done with him, he’s gonna have barbecue sauce fueling out from his belly button like a geyser."
Michael Cole à propos de Jim Ross

"The WWE has gone from the powerful "Austin 3:16" to the dominant and iconic "can you smell what the Rock is cookin?"... all the way to "You can't see me"? You can't see me, what are you, playing peek-a-boo? Believe me, we all can see you. A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck in the basement Stevie Wonder can see your monkey ass. How in the hell do you think we can miss you come out here with your bright ass purple shirt, before that bright green shirt, bright orange shirt like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles?"
The Rock à John Cena

"Jerry Lawler has forgotten more about wrestling than the Miz has ever known."
CM Punk

"If anyone says you can't do something, if anyone says you can't live your dream... Believe them, because you can't."
The Miz

"William Regal did the real work with this young man. Shawn Michaels took $3000 from him, that's all he ever did."
CM Punk à propos de la formation de Daniel Bryan

"I would RKO my own grandmother if it meant keeping this title. And then I'd RKO YOUR grandmother just to see the look on her face."
Randy Orton, à Sheamus

Virgil: - Ted, what are you going to do for protection?
Ted DiBiase, jetant un coup d'oeil à Maryse: - Go to the drugstore.

"Her teeth are going to be like the Ten Commendments after this match: all broken."
Alicia Fox, à propos d'Eve Torres

"Layla is not married. She deserves a good husband. I should marry her before she meets him."
Jerry Lawler

"If I suck, why would a Perry deli – the top Perry deli – name their top-selling sandwich after me? It's called the Swaggie. It smells like freedom."
Jack Swagger

"I realize how much of a starmaking performance I had in McGruber. The reviews have been off the charts. As a matter of fact, they are speaking of a possible early Oscar nomination."
Chris Jericho

"I'm sure your mom's uterus is awesome."
Vicki StElmo à Vladimir Kozlov

"If we were in your era, I'd put a Sharpshooter on you faster than you can put a pair of cheap sunglasses on an ugly kid."
The Miz, à Bret Hart.

"When I look at you I don't see fans. I don't even see people. I see money, money, money, money. Dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs. With some of you, a lot of dollar signs because I see a lot of fat people in the audience and I know you paid for two seats. Thank you very much!"
Batista à Raw.

"We are real women with the body that God created us with."
Mickie James, la femme aux implants mammaires en silicone qui explosent dans le ring.

Don Johnson: "This is a mistake!"
The Miz: "Mistake? No. Pink shirts and white suits, that is a mistake."

"One nation under Punk, undivisible, with integrity and sobriety for all!"
CM Punk

Michael Cole: "Our guest at ringside, Marisse. Welcome."
Maryse: "Oh my god, Michael Cole, you vintage nerd. You can't even say my name right. I should punish you and just give you my French kiss."

"If I see you in my match tonight, I'm gonna tear your intestins out and jump rope with it. And that's not all. I'm gonna take my two fingers, I'm gonna dig up your nosedrills and I'll rip your brain out. And I'm gonna put it in a newspaper and I'm gonna smash it against a window."
Mike Tyson à Hornswoggle

Ted DiBiase: "My movie, the Marine II, is superior to the original Marine."
Cody Rhodes: "Ted, my fifth grade graduation video is superior to the original Marine."

"I'm on Raw, you're on Smackdown... Long distance relationships don't work, Chris."
Big Show

Jerry Lawler, après une promo de Maryse où elle a qualifié Melina de "petite poupée": "Did she just say poupée? Do you know what that means in French?"
Michael Cole: "What?"
Jerry Lawler: "I... I can't say it!"

"I respect her. There are a lot of things that she does that I couldn't do, being the size that she is."
Michelle McCool à propos de Mickie James.

"We have MVP on the stage, and PMS in the ring."
Goldust, à propos des divas assemblées dans le ring pendant les Slammy Awards 2009.

"It was kind of like the 300 at the battle of Thermopylae, but with better abs".
John Morrison à propos de la fin de son match à Survivor Series, quand il s'est retrouvé à 1 contre 3.

"Hi, I'm John Morrison, and one time I drove my Lexus 700 miles on a tank full of my own urine."
John Morrison

"I always said if I could put my brain in Andrew’s body he’d be a 20-time world champ."
Edge à propos de Andrew "Test" Martin