Sondage

Cela fait maintenant un mois tout pile que Jinder Mahal est champion de la WWE. Selon vous::

Clobber report, #25

Djobi, Jobber
Cada dia te quiero ma'
Djobi Djobi, Djobi Jobber
Cada dia yo te quiero ma'
Djobi Djobi, Djobi Jobber
Cada dia yo te quiero ma'

 

Vous aussi, marchez dans la lumière des Gipsy Kings, visionnaires troubadours qui chantaient les louanges de votre serviteur bien avant que Batista ait cet amusant réflexe de s'enfermer à clé dans la voiture qu'il emprunte pour écraser Cena. Comment? En lisant la vingt-cinquième édition du Clobber Report, consacrée au first ever Over the Limit.

 

 

Il est temps de foutre un bâillon aux mecs qui crient "We want blood!"

 

 

Clobber Report, spécial Over the Limit

 

 

 

Il est temps de foutre!

 

La vie de salon: J'ai beau conspuer la TNA à longueur de semaines depuis l'arrivée de la Bubba Army, je dois lui reconnaître une chose, c'est qu'elle sait installer ses pontes. Non vraiment, quand on voit le bureau d'Hogan, on comprend bien que c'est lui le patron. Alors que Teddy Long... Il se tape un pauvre hybride de salle d'attente et de backroom, à peine meublé, peint dans des coloris douteux... Du coup, quand Drew casse tout et que le GM de Smackdown pleure son bureau, on n'y croit pas du tout. Messieurs les décorateurs, revoyez votre copie.

 

 

Même ça, ça ressemble plus à un bureau.

 

 

Rey est un con: Ben oui, comme Régis. Sérieusement, qu'est-ce qui justifie que Rey réponde au salut de Punk, son pire ennemi du moment? Déjà, à l'époque, quand les faces se faisaient prendre au piège du "test de force", ils passaient pour des idiots, mais alors là, même en cas de moquerie, ça dépasse l'entendement. Halte aux subterfuges à la Satanas.

 

 

- Regarde comme je suis bien épilé là-dessous, tu peux en dire autant?

- Ma qué oui, regarde.

 

 

It's clobbering time!

 

Smoke on the water: Je ne sais pas si c'était pour se caler sur l'image de jardinier hors-la-loi que se trimballe Kofi ou parce que le public brûlait littéralement d'impatience de le voir botter le derrière de cette grosse tanche de McIntyre (non seulement il a manqué de faire foirer le finisher de son adversaire mais en plus il joue aussi bien la colère que Winnie l'Ourson), mais j'ai beaucoup aimé la luminosité apportée par ce voile de fumée dont était nimbé le début du pay-per-view.

 

 

Il est pas mignon à gober ça comme un bambin sous la neige?

 

 

Yes they could: C'était à prévoir. Alors que les pay-per-views extrêmes de la fédération de Stamford ressemblent de plus en plus à des batailles de polochons, c'est dans le cadre d'un show sans stipulation que s'est déroulé le match le plus brutal qu'on ait vu depuis des mois à la WWE. Je parle bien sûr de l'apogée de la feud entre Rey Mysterio et CM Punk, dont les airs de remake de La Passion du Christ (avec la tonte menottée en guise de crucifixion et un Rey incapable de manier un rasoir sans tout arracher à la main en guise de Romain) étaient, je l'avoue, plutôt jouissifs (mazette, cette séquence où le gourou du straight-edge massacre le nabot virevoltant à l'extérieur du ring...). Dans le genre, le Cena/Batista était pas mal non plus.

 

 

- Un commentaire?

- Arrrr... merci.

 

 

- Et vous ? Un commentaire?

- Arrrr... Dégage.

 

 

Ainsi s'achève ce vingt-cinquième numéro, merci à vous de l'avoir lu jusqu'au bout. Le Clobber Report ne serait toutefois pas complet sans une intervention de l'un de ses plus fidèles lecteurs, le poète Hawk.

 

 

Broken necks, splattered patellas, severed arteries: these are the things from which dreams are made of.

Brouillard de guerre

La nalyse du PPV a oublié d'évoquer cette nappe de brume recouvrant la salle au début de la soirée. Elle donnait en effet un aspect intimiste, genre petite salle de lutte amateur installée dans une banlieue pauvre, rappelant le combat d'introduction du tout premier Rocky, quand il se bat encore contre des amateurs dans une salle minable. Cool pour l'ambiance, mais le public situé dans le fond de la salle y -t-il vu quelque chose ? Ah oui c'était un match de Drew McIntyre, donc le public en est sorti gagnant...
.
Le Rey/Punk et son déroulement involontairement sanglant fera parler longtemps, surtout s'il marque la naissance d'une nouvelle gimick pour Punk. Je prépare déjà une liasse de billets de 500 pour miser sur le OMG moment 2010...

What's up?




2009 - 2018
Relax Miz Girl, les CDC ne sont pas morts. Retrouvez-nous dans notre nouveau chez-nous.

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Retrouvez ici toutes nos vignettes !


Quotes of the Cahiers

"I'm gonna leave him in a pile of blood, and urine and vomit."
Brock Lesnar à propos de John Cena

"At 9 am Eastern time tomorrow, the WWE Network goes live. But the problem is you’re all gonna be so overwhelmed by the incredible content available, you won’t be able to turn it off. Adults will lose their jobs and kids will be expelled from schools for lack of attendance. In fact, you’re gonna be so mesmerized by the incredible content of the WWE Network that you won’t even have time to remove the garbage from your houses. Your places are gonna start to stink, rats will move in, and they’re gonna look like bigger pigsties than they already do. Ultimately, the government is gonna come along and condemn your homes and you will all be left homeless defending yourself on the street. Thank you very much."
Bad News Barrett

"He’s twisting him so much his twin brother is getting dizzy !"
JBL commentant un Giant Swing d'Antonio Cesaro sur l'un des frères Uso.

"I think I'm a little too old for you Jerry. I'm 26, I know you like them younger."
AJ Lee, à Raw, s'adressant à Jerry Lawler

"It looks like James Storm has had more partners than Taylor Swift lately, he should probably get tested"
Bad Influence

"Having watched that… I regret the doctors in Canada saving my life.”
Jerry Lawler, après le segment où Mae Young a accouché d'Hornswoggle.

"What's running through John Cena's mind? I don't give a crap what's running through his mind. What's more important is what's running down his leg."
Brock Lesnar

"Yes. Stop sending dumb tweets like this one. RT: @Kid_Antrim Any advice for me?"
Paul Heyman, sur Twitter

"With Kofi Kingston as the Intercontinental Champion, the bar has been lowered. And when the bar’s been lowered, mediocrity becomes acceptable. And when mediocrity becomes acceptable, society crumbles. And when society crumbles, civilization will end as we know it.”
Le Miz, Hell in a Cell

"Can you figure that? She's not able to get a date! I mean, even Natalya is able to get a date!"
Eve à propos de Layla

"I understand that you barbaric buffoons could easily eviscerate me and dispose of me like common trash. However, if you do so, I will not be a victim. I will be a martyr. A martyr for anyone who appreciates a sophisticated mind."
Damien Sandow, à DX.

"Apparently, giants can win the Super Bowl, but not matches at WrestleMania. You’re like ‘The Reverse Undertaker’. Who are you going to lose to this year? The boxer or the sumo wrestler?”"
Cody Rhodes au Big Show

"The Kliq is back, which is kind of ironic because "click" is the noise the audience's remote control makes every time Kevin Nash pops up on their TV screen."
CM Punk

"It's a conspiracy! C... O... N.... Spiracy!"
R-Truth

"I understand that... that Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself... he's a millionaire who should be a billionaire... you know why he's not a billionaire? It's because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical yes-men like John Laurinaitis, who's gonna tell him everything he wants to hear... and I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family."
CM Punk

"These people are not Jimmies. They are the greatest fans in the world!"
John Cena, à R-Truth qui venait de qualifier le public de Raw de "Little Jimmies".

"Can you imagine if Sheamus wins this thing? I mean, the international ramifications, I mean the buyrate, I’m talking about the demographic change and everything? If Sheamus wins this match, it will be huge, not only for him but for the Smackdown brand."
Booker T., pendant un Title Match opposant le champion poids lourds Randy Orton à Sheamus.

"When I’m done with him, he’s gonna have barbecue sauce fueling out from his belly button like a geyser."
Michael Cole à propos de Jim Ross

"The WWE has gone from the powerful "Austin 3:16" to the dominant and iconic "can you smell what the Rock is cookin?"... all the way to "You can't see me"? You can't see me, what are you, playing peek-a-boo? Believe me, we all can see you. A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck in the basement Stevie Wonder can see your monkey ass. How in the hell do you think we can miss you come out here with your bright ass purple shirt, before that bright green shirt, bright orange shirt like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles?"
The Rock à John Cena

"Jerry Lawler has forgotten more about wrestling than the Miz has ever known."
CM Punk

"If anyone says you can't do something, if anyone says you can't live your dream... Believe them, because you can't."
The Miz

"William Regal did the real work with this young man. Shawn Michaels took $3000 from him, that's all he ever did."
CM Punk à propos de la formation de Daniel Bryan

"I would RKO my own grandmother if it meant keeping this title. And then I'd RKO YOUR grandmother just to see the look on her face."
Randy Orton, à Sheamus

Virgil: - Ted, what are you going to do for protection?
Ted DiBiase, jetant un coup d'oeil à Maryse: - Go to the drugstore.

"Her teeth are going to be like the Ten Commendments after this match: all broken."
Alicia Fox, à propos d'Eve Torres

"Layla is not married. She deserves a good husband. I should marry her before she meets him."
Jerry Lawler

"If I suck, why would a Perry deli – the top Perry deli – name their top-selling sandwich after me? It's called the Swaggie. It smells like freedom."
Jack Swagger

"I realize how much of a starmaking performance I had in McGruber. The reviews have been off the charts. As a matter of fact, they are speaking of a possible early Oscar nomination."
Chris Jericho

"I'm sure your mom's uterus is awesome."
Vicki StElmo à Vladimir Kozlov

"If we were in your era, I'd put a Sharpshooter on you faster than you can put a pair of cheap sunglasses on an ugly kid."
The Miz, à Bret Hart.

"When I look at you I don't see fans. I don't even see people. I see money, money, money, money. Dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs. With some of you, a lot of dollar signs because I see a lot of fat people in the audience and I know you paid for two seats. Thank you very much!"
Batista à Raw.

"We are real women with the body that God created us with."
Mickie James, la femme aux implants mammaires en silicone qui explosent dans le ring.

Don Johnson: "This is a mistake!"
The Miz: "Mistake? No. Pink shirts and white suits, that is a mistake."

"One nation under Punk, undivisible, with integrity and sobriety for all!"
CM Punk

Michael Cole: "Our guest at ringside, Marisse. Welcome."
Maryse: "Oh my god, Michael Cole, you vintage nerd. You can't even say my name right. I should punish you and just give you my French kiss."

"If I see you in my match tonight, I'm gonna tear your intestins out and jump rope with it. And that's not all. I'm gonna take my two fingers, I'm gonna dig up your nosedrills and I'll rip your brain out. And I'm gonna put it in a newspaper and I'm gonna smash it against a window."
Mike Tyson à Hornswoggle

Ted DiBiase: "My movie, the Marine II, is superior to the original Marine."
Cody Rhodes: "Ted, my fifth grade graduation video is superior to the original Marine."

"I'm on Raw, you're on Smackdown... Long distance relationships don't work, Chris."
Big Show

Jerry Lawler, après une promo de Maryse où elle a qualifié Melina de "petite poupée": "Did she just say poupée? Do you know what that means in French?"
Michael Cole: "What?"
Jerry Lawler: "I... I can't say it!"

"I respect her. There are a lot of things that she does that I couldn't do, being the size that she is."
Michelle McCool à propos de Mickie James.

"We have MVP on the stage, and PMS in the ring."
Goldust, à propos des divas assemblées dans le ring pendant les Slammy Awards 2009.

"It was kind of like the 300 at the battle of Thermopylae, but with better abs".
John Morrison à propos de la fin de son match à Survivor Series, quand il s'est retrouvé à 1 contre 3.

"Hi, I'm John Morrison, and one time I drove my Lexus 700 miles on a tank full of my own urine."
John Morrison

"I always said if I could put my brain in Andrew’s body he’d be a 20-time world champ."
Edge à propos de Andrew "Test" Martin